Prasing God for giving satan what he deserves!

Just finished watching a beth moore video. It was amazing of course, but it was also insightful.
It was about God's presmissive will. How satan has to ask God before he hits us with a big one. And that when God allows the big one or sifting, it is because there is something God wants to sift out of lives. God allows satan to do this if there is something God wants and he uses satan to accomplish his goal for us. This is not the daily temptation we all face. But the time when we are so in tune with God, then satan sneaks up and hits us with our weakness. She used the example that we all stuff our things down inside us and try to put God on top of our stuff. But God wants us to turn inside out before him. put him deep down in us and then place our stuff on top of the rock. Jesus builds on the rock not our stuff. It is still a little scary to completely do. There is something in my life, a question I have had about me all my life, and if the answer is yes, I am scared to know that. I am afraid to deal with it if it is true. I keep pushing down and telling myself that it never happened and that it is a lie satan is trying to get to me believe. Right now he has in the position that I don't know if it is a lie or truth. I sure hope it is a lie. I know that I am not strong enough on my own to deal with it. I know God can but I am hoping it is a lie so there is nothing to deal with. Maybe satan just wants to drive me crazy trying to figure out if it is a lie or not. To get to the truth is going to take more than a hour of prayer with God, I need a quiet uninterrupted time with him. I pray that he will provide that place and time, if it is something he wants to deal with now. One of my questions is how did this particular thing start? I remember it happening when I was only 5. Beth Moore describes her childhood and teen years as living in a cell looking out, having the prision bars to be sure no one got in. That was/is so me.
God has gotten me out of the cell, but letting people in is not in my character. I do not totally trust anyone. Friends come for a season and then are gone. but today at the baby shower for Emily, 2 of my friends came and I realized they have been my friends for 23 years. There are also 2 other friends that have been friends with me that long. Another for 20 years. 5 people have chosen to stay friends with me and have not left me at any time. Also, these 5 friends have never hurt me in any way. I have hurt them! But they have forgiven and are still here. So ok, one lie of satan down.
I want God to keep knocking them down one by one. It feels good to give satan a heave ho and a kick out. Wow took me 49 years to get that one down! Praise God!